Nothing Says Happy Holidays Like Domestic Violence

I am really bad about sending holiday cards, but this year I figured I try and send them to a few people that I don't see on a regular basis and who regularly send me cards, cause I'm all adult and responsible now.

I am crafty and my husband is an artist so I don't like buying cards, but really, you can only make so many things in a year. I am also particular about messaging, and it is surprisingly hard to find a secular, non-sappy, attractive card free from bad puns. Unfortunately, this year did not offer many alternatives. It did however offer what could be the most offensive holiday card in the history of Hallmark:



If you can't see what is going on in the picture that I made my husband take while I held them up righteously indignant in the middle of the CVS aisle, it is an image of two gingerbread women (we assume they are women, since traditionally in illustration only women have eyelashes...). One is missing the lower portion of her body with the caption "First he dunked me in milk, then he bit off my legs."

Fail.

Let's Mail R. Kelly Condoms...Lots of Them

R. Kelly seems to have misunderstood all of the parodies of "Trapped in the Closet."

Note to R. Kelly: Parody is different than imitation and is not a form of flattery. Either that, or he his some kind of crazy smart business man that has decided that creating songs that seem like parodies of bad R&B, will make him the king of R&B. That is really the only reason I can think of someone making this:



To quote:

Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,
That’s what I told her,
Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,
Lay your body down and get you pregnant,
Like you are,
Knock you up, pregnant,

Oh and this lovely sentiment:

Shes more than a mistress enough to handle my business,
Now put that girl in my kitchen,

On top of that lyrical genius, the music is genuinely awful and contrived, which is another reason why I hope this is self-parody. Otherwise, he is (along with Tyrese) singing the praises of unprotected sex, deadbeat fatherhood, and an extreme insecurity in his own masculinity which requires a legacy of genetic proof. For the future of R&B I hope that is not the case.

Which is why I give you as a unicorn chaser the best in R&B and general awesomeness:



Whew! That's better. Thanks, Mary.

Via my husband, via Buddyhead.

Your T-eeww-sday Not Awesome

Thanks, Viagra. Thanks for reminding us to celebrate your role in the cultural cannon of making sure that boners still trump birth control.

And, um, eeww...

How to Get Me to Hide You In My Facebook Feed

There are two reasons (so far) I will block people from my Facebook Feed:

1. You post uniformed things about how abortion and gay marriage should be illegal or voted in the "Kill Obama" poll.

2. You participate in crap like this:


According to the application, "Send Big Beautiful Boobs to your friends. It will brighten their day!" No. No, it will not.