Here's another toy I will not buy for my son

Didn't you know? Crafting is only for girls, unless you are making heavy equipment. In that case, no girls allowed.

Your Friday Awesome: The Force Is With Her

First grader, Katie, loves Star Wars. But, she was bullied for carrying a Star Wars water bottle to school, because "it's only for boys." Her mom became aware of the taunting when Katie decided to take a pink water bottle to school instead, because she didn't want to be thought of as any more different than she already was:

"Katie, it is okay to be different. Not all girls need to drink out of pink water bottles," I told her.

"I don't want to be too different," Katie lamented. "I'm already different. Nobody else in my class wears glasses or a patch, and nobody else was adopted. Now I'm even more different, because of my Star Wars water bottle."

Needless to say, the interwebs would certainly not let this stand. Thanks to an initial push from Cake Wrecks, all the geek-girl celebrities took to Twitter to make sure Katie's story made the rounds. Over 3,000 people have left comments on two of her mom's posts letting Katie know that girls can like Star Wars as much as they please - including the actress who voiced Padme in The Clone Wars:

"I am [the] actress who has the great honor of being Padme Amidala on 'Star Wars: the Clone Wars!' I just wanted to tell Katie that she is in VERY good company being a female Star Wars fans," Taber wrote. "I know that Padme would tell you to be proud of who YOU are and know that you are not ALONE!

"THE FORCE is with you Katie!"

She, and other members of the LucasFilm universe, sent Katie Star Wars toys and clothes, including her own lightsaber. Of course, because Katie is awesome, she is donating much of it to other children.

Today has also been declared the day to support Katie, geeky girls and anti-bullying by wearing Star Wars paraphernalia and donating geeky toys. Proving not only that girls can like whatever they want to, but that they can also be members of awesome communities.

PS: As further proof that Katie is not alone, this little girl also knows what's up.



I'm glad to know her rendition does not include the blasphemy that is the new CGI revamp.

Your Friday Awesome: Kids Say the Darnedest Things (about Gender)

These kids are amazing. I hope they continue to feel supported and strong and happy so they can remain committed to F-ing with the kyriarchy.

The best part are the conversations with adults. Unless you are a total asshole (and they are most definitely out there) you're not going to tell a 3rd grader he can't wear a pink scarf, hat and pants on camera. I'd like to think there is some serious thinking going on in those adult pauses.

A place where kids are free to be themselves and push adults to question social norms? That's what I'll be celebrating this 4th of July.

Gender and Sexuality at Prom: The Good, the Bad and the Awesome

This year students across the country made it pretty damn clear that prom is not just about finding a date and the perfect dress - its has become a political statement about who you can date and what you can wear openly.

Constance McMillian wanted to bring her gilfriend to prom. When she couldn't, she got the ACLU on her side, and thousands of others, and even that was not enough to get the school district to treat her with respect (though it did get a bill proposed in the Senate - woo!).

Omar Bonilla ran for prom queen and came very close to winning, but was suddenly suspended two days before prom for a questionable parking violation

Derrek Lutz not only won his right to wear a dress, he was crowned Prom King:

Prom wasn't the first time Derrek expressed his identity in front of classmates and school administrators. Last month he did it with an entire posse:



Extra points for the awesome and crass intro. But, is it just me, or does it look a little bit like the writers of Glee found some inspiration there for this week's episode?

Speaking of Glee, I cannot express how happy I am that this clip was aired in primetime, particularly now when students like Derrek, Constance and Omar are in the press.



Yeah, grab a tissue. And then do what you can to make sure the kids you know are safe and supported.

What students like Derrek are doing is incredibly brave, because even if you have a posse of backup dancers (or in Constance's case, lawyers) doesn't mean everyone in the school supports you, obviously the administration had to be convinced. Furthermore, not going to prom isn't the only threat students face.

I am in awe of these students that are using what has been one of the most heteronormative high school rites of passage and turning it on its head, making it inclusive and representative of who they and their fellow students are.

Your Friday Awesome: Eff Gender Stereotypes

So much gender bending, effing with stereotypes, win:

"Ian (B.S., mathematics; future sociology graduate student) modeling a t-shirt bought for him by his girlfriend, who found it in the children’s section of the Goodwill in Glendale, CA.The t-shirt has been destroyed… for the sake of humanity… and little girls everywhere" - Sociological Images

I love Johnny Weir

This. This whole damn thing:



"I think masculinity and femininity is old fashioned."

A "Mighty" Gender Neutral List of Skills for Everyone

If I hadn't already mentioned it, I'm not a fan of gendering specific skills, hobbies or life lessons.

Uber-blogger Maggie (aka Mighty Girl) agrees. She's come up with list of 100 gender neutral skills everyone should master. Its a pretty great list - though, I still need to learn a second language and how to build a campfire.

Her list also makes me feel better since she's been working on it since 2008 (in response to male-centered lists) and if a professional blogger can shelve a post for that long, then my list of partial posts waiting to be let out of pre-published limbo might just have hope. Maybe learning how to write faster and without reservations should be on my list...

She is semi-crowdsourcing the references, too, so if you know how to skip a rock, let her know.

Quote of the Day - Jos on Adam Lambert and the Patriarchy

"Hey male gaze, your arousal is showing."

Read more about Jos' take on Adam Lambert's performance and subsequent ousting from Good Morning America, on Feministing.

Rules for My Unborn Son - How (not) to Teach Masculinity

There is a new book coming out called "Rules for My Unborn Son." It was sent to BoingBoing's Mark Frauenfelder, who responded, "Lamond's rules are good advice for sons, as well as anyone else, really." Hmmm, well yes, advice based on general etiquette is usually good for all people.

The book is based on the blog "1001 Rules for my Unborn Son," and is just one more attempt to shore up the author's own masculinity while making sure his kid also adheres to his version of what it is to be man. Nevermind that his kid might be gay, or trans, or born a girl.

Moreover, this poor kid is going to have to memorize 1,001 rules to be the right kind of man his dad want's him to be?!? I feel sorry for the kid. But, I also feel bad for the guy who wrote this, since he too feels his identity is based on a masculinity that can be broken down into a set of stringent rules - and on his youth and cool factor.

Lets move on to the advice, that Mark characterizes as "specific tips for living a life of kindness, politeness, and preparedness," shall we? Yes there are some nice general tips for, oh...I don't know not being an asshole, like thanking your bus driver. But, then we get into the "men must be strong and fight" ones: "Aim for the nose," "A man's luggage doesn't roll." Oh right, because being a man means unnecessarily lugging a duffel bag, causing your shoulder and back to be sore for the rest of trip and your clothes to be wrinkled, instead of using a convenient roller? Tell that to pilots (who of course are all manly men, unlike the flight attendants who are all ladies or pansies).

But, here is the real winner:

"Remember, the girl you're with is somebody's sister. And she's perfectly capable of kicking your ass."

While it's nice to know he thinks women are as physically capable as the Paul Bunyan/Don Draper prototype he has raised, there is a whole heap of crap wrong with this:

1. The girl you are dating is only of value because she is defined by her relationship to a man (we assume the threat is from her unidentified brother, and not her sister).

2. You will only ever date young women, god forbid she have other relationships, like oh...being someone's mother.

3. The author feels that he has to put in a very specific rule that breaks down to simply "DON'T BE A RAPIST" or any form of abuser, but really, this rule is all about not committing date rape.

I can only hope that when I have a son I will have taught him about respecting all people and provided him with the tools to create his own healthy sexuality, so that I don't have to remind him to not beat or rape his dates - whoever they may be.

Image via 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son blog.

Your Friday Awesome

We already new that Sweden was awesome, besides giving their citizens things like healthcare and parental leave, they have given the world Ikea. It turns out their sixth graders are just as with it as their parents.

The sixth graders reported Toys 'R Us to a self-regulatory agency within the International Chamber of Commerce because its 2008 catalog featured “outdated gender roles...boys and girls were shown playing with different types of toys, whereby the boys were portrayed as active and the girls as passive."

These are pages from the current ad for the area where I live:


Yep. Pretty much.

Evidently, the action was the culmination of what can only be assumed to be a pretty awesome lesson plan:

The group’s teacher explained to the local Smålandsposten newspaper that filing the complaint was the culmination of more than two years of “long-term work” by the students on gender roles.

Thumbing through the catalogue, 13-year-old Hannes Psajd explained that he and his twin sister had always shared the same toys and that he was concerned about the message sent by the Toys"R"Us publication.

“Small girls in princess stuff…and here are boys dressed as super heroes. It’s obvious that you get affected by this,” he told the newspaper.

“When I see that only girls play with certain things then, as a guy, I don’t want it.”

Classmate Moa Averin emphasized the importance of children being able to be who they want even if “guys want to be princesses sometimes”.

Right you are Moa.

Princess Vader

When my niece turned three I was faced with the ultimate aunt dilemma: give in to the suggestion that her gifts be princess themed, or start prepping her early for her feminist awakening. I chose the somewhat subversive middle ground. A sparkly pink soccer ball (athletics!), a pink keyboard (music is good for the brain!), and a princess costume - it was blue and it involved LED's in the skirt (technology!). Yes, we spoil our niece and nephew every chance we get.

At one point in the day, after presents had been opened and everyone was high on sugar, she had the costume on over her jeans while we played something more akin to keep-away than soccer. My brother-in-law turned to me and said, "that is result of the work you do. A little girl choosing to be a princess in jeans and a soccer player."

Of course, the fact that she and I can wear jeans and play sports is thanks to generations before us, but it makes me ridiculously happy when kids independently subvert the giant and pervasive structure of gendered binaries. Which is why this made my day:


And not just because my sister (who carried around playschool cowboys in a gold lame purse) always wanted to play Skelator, Stripe, and Darth Vader to my She-Ra, Gizmo and Princess Leia.

Image via Cake Wrecks.

OMG! Liv Dolls Totally Aren't Bratz, LOL

Here's an idea: if you set out to create a new toy with the mindset that you are going to break out of your trend of making "toys for boys," you are probably going to create a toy that won't offer a real alternative in the "girl aisle." Particularly if you think the problem with Bratz is their collagen-injected lips and inflexible joints, and that Barbie's only problem is that she sets her career sights too high.

You can read more about Spin Masters (no really, that is their name) attempt to give 6-10 year-old girls "what they really want" at Mother Jones.

Image via ShoppingBlog.

Why I Am Proud to Be a Carter Baby

Because he speaks out against racism veiled as partisanship:

I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American. I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way, and I've seen the rest of the country, that shared the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African-Americans—that racism, in connection, still exists. And I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of a belief from many white people, not just in the South but from around the country, that African-Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and grieves me and concerns me very deeply.

And because he decided to leave the Southern Baptist Convention at the age of 84:

I have been a practicing Christian all my life and a deacon and Bible teacher for many years. My faith is a source of strength and comfort to me, as religious beliefs are to hundreds of millions of people around the world. So my decision to sever my ties with the Southern Baptist Convention, after six decades, was painful and difficult. It was, however, an unavoidable decision when the convention's leaders, quoting a few carefully selected Bible verses and claiming that Eve was created second to Adam and was responsible for original sin, ordained that women must be "subservient" to their husbands and prohibited from serving as deacons, pastors or chaplains in the military service...

...The truth is that male religious leaders have had - and still have - an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world. This is in clear violation not just of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but also the teachings of Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, Moses and the prophets, Muhammad, and founders of other great religions - all of whom have called for proper and equitable treatment of all the children of God. It is time we had the courage to challenge these views.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Photo via Habitat for Humanity.

Update: Hollaback - War Zone

This weekend I went out with a female friend of mine to a friend's show. It was another indie venue where one wouldn't expect the unapologetic douchebaggery of other clubs - just that pungent aura of hipsterdom (a little stale PBR, danger dogs and vintage clothing musk).

The venue is technically within walking distance of my house, but it becomes much too far a walk once the sun goes down. Which is why we spent a little while searching for parking. We initially saw a spot about three and a half blocks from the club, but my friend determined that it was "too far" from the club. At first, I thought that three and a half blocks was too far because she was wearing a skirt and the night had gotten chilly. But, when we left the show I was reminded that going out with my husband has resulted in me letting down my guard too much.

We ended up finding a spot about two blocks away on the side of the venue that has officially become gentrified, instead of the side that is still considered "transitional." But, before we could even cross the street, we were confronted by a young man blocking our path, asking "how we were doing," and how old we were. We had to dodge past him, while keeping watch on his two silent but lingering buddies, once the light changed. It was a pretty shitty way to end the night.

Which is why I think this documentary by Maggie Hadleigh-Wes is fantastic. Made in 1998 it is a precursor to Hollaback, but it also takes it a bit farther. Armed with a Super 8 camera, she confronts the men who make comments and leer at her and other women. Some are belligerent, some embarrassed, and some aren't even aware of what they had done. I wouldn't suggest confronting men as a daily practice, but it amazing how powerful a camera (or two) can be.



You can buy the entire movie from the Media Education Foundation, along with a bunch of other amazing documentaries.

Thanks to Ann at Feministing for the heads up.

No, You Don't Need to Speak with My Husband

One of the people I met in Austin was the amazing Starr C. who has started the insightful and funny Suburbtopia. Some might call it a mom blog, but really it is about living as a feminist when you are also a wife and mother and graduate student and a veteran and work full-time and you do all of those things awesomely. Really. In the middle of Texas.

She recently shared her experience of trying to find a realtor whose gender norms were not firmly planted in 1952. After setting up the initial process on her bank's website, the bank-assigned realtor called and said this:

I'm sorry, I thought Starr was your husband's name. Should I discuss the selling of your home with him or is it okay to talk with you on these matters?

When Starr C. told her that she could more than handle the call, the realtor then questioned whether or not it made sense for her to work in addition to her husband, because could her salary really cover the cost of day care?

Yeah, that is how you start a good client relationship. By being totally intrusive and condescending. Oh, and the realtor was a woman. Who obviously works, and who works in real estate. But, of course she assumed that she makes more than Starr C. and understands real estate better. Obviously she hasn't met Starr C. That woman is probably smarter and more skilled than most people on the planet. Needless to say, she got a new realtor.

In a recent post, I talked about how I chose not to change my name when I got married, and that it has not caused the end of civilization. But, regardless of the fact that I did not change my name when I got married, the assumptions tied up in the grand idea of "marriage" are so ingrained that most people assume you have taken your husband's name, regardless of whether or not you have. Built into that assumption is the belief that along with taking your husband's name, you also relinquish your power to your husband, particularly your economic power.

Starr C.'s post reminded me of my first experience of working against this assumption. As I said, most people assume we have the same name. The only reason they know we don't is if both of our names our on a document. And in that case, there have never been questions of why our names don't match, but of whose name should go first.

The most jarring example of this, was when we filed our first taxes as a married couple. Since it was our first time filing, we figured it would be a good idea to talk to a professional to see if we should file jointly or separately and to make sure we got it all right. We gathered all our paperwork and went down to visit a very jolly man my family has known for years. All was going well. We asked if we should file separately or jointly. He said jointly would be our best bet. He asked if I changed my name. Nope. Okay, moving on. Then he asked who should be the primary name and social security number on the return and who should be the "spouse". Both my husband and I said I would be.

You would have thought we said to make our cat the primary. For a good five minutes the accountant tried to dissuade us and make me the spouse, "because that is what he IRS is used to." Really? I thought they were used to processing things by social security number. Oh, and they are also used to seeing my tax returns because I hadn't gone straight from being my father's dependent to my husband's, since you know coverture is over.

My insistence (backed by my husband) that my name be first on the return had nothing to do with asserting our feminist principles to the federal government. It has to do with the simple reality that our relationship is egalitarian to begin with. Each of us have different strengths and interests, and based on those strengths and interests we divide up the household responsibilities. Sure, no one likes doing the dishes, so we try and do our fair share. However, when it comes to the economic front, I am the one that makes sure bills are paid and we are getting the best deal on our cell phone and internet contracts.

Not because I am better and handling money, we make decisions jointly and my husband has managed his own finances and that of his touring band for years, but because I am more comforatble dealing with people on the phone when things having to deal with money don't run smoothly. A wierd charge on our credit card? I call to clarify it. Our internet is down? I call to see what the problem is. Our renter's insurance needs to be adjusted? I call to talk to them about it. Why? Mostly because I am more comfortable asking to speak with someone's manager when I don't get the answer I need or they continue to try and up-sell me.

So, if I am the one handling all this on a daily basis, wouldn't it make sense that I be the one to file our return? Afterall, the world revolves around social security numbers, or at least the last four digits. When we merged a few accounts where it made sense to keep my husband as the primary, it has been a pain to try and remember the last four digits of his social security number in order to get anything accomplished. And god forbid if something was wrong on our return, it would be me that ended up talking to the IRS.

Of course, I didn't share all of these details with our tax guy. Instead, I resorted to framing the discussion in terms of finance-speak and asserted, "I am the CFO of this household!"

It worked. My name is first. Now lets just hope I never have to talk to them.

Old Navy: Jeans for Every Stereotype!

Okay, forget the creepy "modelquins" commercials for a second. Old Navy has managed to once again be condescending to its customers. They have added a new style to their ridiculously named women's jeans that neatly packages their women customers into brightly colored, cotton, female stereotypes.

Previously, you could be slutty (the Flirt), a doormat (the Sweetheart), or a bitch (the Diva). Now you can be The Dreamer:


In other words, you're fat and you better push those curves into the appropriate shape.

Cause if you don't, you won't have a boyfriend to steal jeans from when you would rather not be a slutty, doormat, bitch.

Zine Fest: Lessons in DIY and Gender

On the tail end of Generation X, I was just a little too young, and grew up in a town just a little to far from an urban center to take part in the riot grrrl zine hey day of my generation. Luckily, I got to learn about them in college, since Women's Studies loves a good DIY subculture. That meant that when I started learning about the larger punk rock scene through my husband, zines weren't a total mystery (You mean, you used to learn about new music through little stapled photocopies and had to actually write to someone to get cassette tapes through mail order? Whoa...).

Which is why I was at San Francisco Zine Fest this weekend. My husband is a rather good artist and all around creative type, and I think other people should get to find out just how awesome he is - you can do that here - so I helped him schlep and sell his zines and paintings and also helped out at the info table. I like helping.

Since the fest was in Golden Gate Park, we got a lot of foot traffic, which was great, not only because it meant we had over 1,200 people attend on Saturday alone, but it was my job to explain to folks just what the heck was going on. A lot of my interactions began with people in khakis asking me "What is z-eye-n fest?" So, I gave them a brief definition of zines and the ethos of DIY culture - it was kind of awesome.

All in all, the weekend was pretty darn awesome. We sold almost all of my husbands paintings (including all of the ones he painted while we were there), a bunch of his zines, supported other creators and traded for some pretty awesome stuff.

The most (sadly) shocking thing I noticed was that everyone there was really nice. There were a few strong personalities to negotiate, since not everyone let down their defenses, and as in any subculture there are "celebrities" that like to think of themselves as such. But, in reality, we are all still our self-conscious junior high selves and are excited when people think we are cool, fun or talented.

One of these talented people was Joey Alison Sayers. Joey creates a weekly comic, ridiculously cute paintings, hilarious t-shirts, and comic books. One of them, Just So You Know #1, chronicles her journey coming out as a transexual and her transition to living her life as woman. I think it is an amazingly moving and funny (yes, funny!) story, so you should go spend six bucks and buy it.

I read it while I was at the fest and one of the points she made was really driven home. In one of the chapters, she relates an experience at a zine or indie festival in which two (I'm assuming) guys come and talk about how they find her comics awesome. When they go to buy some they address the dude standing next to her who is selling other stuff. After correcting them, they get confused and walk away.

As I was reading this very page in Joey's comic, my husband was exploring the festival and trading for stuff (he traded Joey one of his paintings for her zine, since he is a total fanboy) so I was holding down the fort. Said fort was adorned with a GIANT yellow structure with a HUGE sign that said "TALL GUY."

I am neither of those things. Okay, maybe at 5'9" I'm kind of tall, but I very obviously read "gal" to most folks. However, more than once I explained to people that I was not the creator of the zines and paintings, it was that dude across the hall, head and shoulders above most other people in the bright orange shirt.

But, here is the thing. Because I am cisgendered it is totally okay with people for me to play with my identity. To quote Joey's comic (which you will see cause you are gonna buy it), "That's weird, right?"

Run Like a Girl

I'm hesitant to talk about South African runner (and now gold medal winner) Caster Semenya at all because she has already had so many people talk about her without her consent, but I have all of 10 readers anyway, and there is something that I keep coming back to.

The idea that we "can tell" what gender someone is by looking at them is flawed on many fronts. What we call "gender" in these discussions is really sex, what kind of reproductive organs one has, and even though there are multiple medically defined sexes, as a society we are only comfortable with two.

The characteristics that we define as attached to the male gender - narrow hips and broad shoulders - are the same traits that we define as beautiful when it comes to the ultimate in defined femininity: fashion models.

The difference here is that someone happens to have narrow hips, broad shoulders and very developed muscles. The muscles that make it necessary for her to do what brought her to the international stage to begin with - to run fast. We can prop you up as the ideal so long as you have no muscle tone. So long as you are not powerful.

If however, you have narrow hips, broad shoulders, rockin' abs and shoulder muscles, are tall, and you win, then we do not trust who you say you are:

"It would seem it is acceptable for masculine-looking women to compete as long as they lose," the paper said. "When they win they must have a 'gender test'."

This is all to say, that even if the invasive tests that she is enduring declare that she does not fit into our definition of "female," the International Association of Athletics Federations will not consider her win the product of cheating.

So, all that may come of this is a an 18-year old woman is being publicly humiliated for doing what she does well. She has been robbed of the excitement and joy she should have felt from winning the Gold Medal at the World Championships:

She said she did not want to go on the podium, but I told her she must. She is not rejoicing. She [didn't] want the medal. She told me: 'No one ever said I was not a girl, but here [in Berlin] I am not. I am not a boy. Why did you bring me here? You should have left me in my village at home'.

The only thing I can hope is that the experts that have been called to explain the many different ways that people can exist without falling into the two "norms" will broaden our understanding of our own limitations to our understanding and acceptance of people.

I also hope that Caster Semenya continues to run and win and leave everyone in the dust.

My Name Might Just Cause the End of Civilization as We Know It

Evidently 70% of American's think I am a bad wife and 50% think the government should put me in line.

No, really. My most recent post for Mother Jones is about a national study on family and gender issues, the results of which shocked even the researchers.

Frankly, I agree with Jessica at Feministing who originally linked to the article. I think choosing one's name is a personal decision and marriage may or may not be the catalyst for why someone chooses to change it. There might be many reasons a woman chooses to drop the last name she was born with. And people change their name all the time for other reasons. Call yourself Princess Sparklebutt - if that is how you identify, more power to 'ya.

In my case, I am the daughter of a feminist who decided to keep her last name and adopt my dad's. She then passed down the convention to both my sister and I. I think its great. My middle name is pretty damn interesting and unique (at least in this country). So when it came to what I was going to do, it wasn't necessarily an either/or option for me. I didn't necessarily want to adopt my husband's last name, but in the end the decision was pretty easy.

We were sitting on the couch one day before the wedding - not actually talking about anything having to do with the wedding (for once), when he said:

You're not going to change your name are you?

Turns out, in his view, the person he fell in love with was the person I was then, name and all, and that is who he wanted to marry - and that, is one of the many reasons I wanted to marry him.

We toyed around with other options: making a new combo one, or both of us adopting my middle name. But, we eventually decided (after all of ten minutes) to stick with the names were already had. It might just be because I'm lazy, but it seems like that is the easiest decision. Correcting well meaning in-laws and friends a few times is much easier than having to make sure my last name is changed on every sort of official documentation, work correspondence, and online account.

And guess what? The world has not come to an end.

The Sex & Gender Beat

I have a new post up at Mother Jones and it is once again filed under "Sex & Gender." As they say, write what you know.

But it is also part of the continued marketing fails. It is nice of companies to help me decide what NOT to buy.

Seriously, make something just for the ladies and you are probably gonna piss us off.