Summer Blockbusters Kind of Suck

Let's review the summer blockbuster movies I have seen thus far in 2009:

...Warning: Spoiler Alert...
(They're all sequels!)

Terminator Salvation
Besides Christian Bale continuing his creepy, raspy Batman voice and that he seems to have an anger problem, the writers probably could have benefited from a Screenwriting 101 refresher course. Yes, it is science fiction and we need to suspend our disbelief, but come on now, you have just discovered a way to bring down the robots easily and with little chance of the few humans left on earth dying, but when one (that you have been torturing) escapes, instead of using the terminator version of a dog whistle you decide to pull out every helicopter and all the firepower you can muster to bring him down? That just seems dumb.

Also, in the future you can do a heart transplant in the middle of the desert? Yeah, that camo netting will act as a great barrier, and it's not like John Connor would be so wimpy he might reject an organ. Evidently this was an alternative ending that the production company decided to go with since the first one had robodude cutting off our hero's face and posing as him for the rest of eternity. Frankly, I would have been more willing to buy that, too bad other people had already thought of it.

One other thing: our hero who is destined to save all of humanity has a very pregnant wife throughout the entire movie. She even manages to find cute little skinny belts to wear above her belly to show it off. And yet, NOTHING HAPPENS. This is a movie about the end of the world with ridiculous plot points added in to make for more action and yet nothing happens to the lady that is eight months pregnant. Why then is she pregnant? So that we know our hero is virile, too? Probably. I mean he does kill that totally phallic robot to save her. I do have to concede though if anyone is going to do a heart transplant in the middle of the desert its pretty awesome that the one to do it is also eight months pregnant. For that I might forgive the ubiquitous end of the world tight leather get ups and perfect hair. Just don't get me started on the fake Governator.

Wolverine
Yay! Comic book origin story! Now those of us that like watching movies about comic books don't actually have to read them to figure out why Wolverine is so cranky and forgetful, whew!

Since this is an origin story, we have 2 hours of Logan becoming Wolverine, but you only have ONE moment where the hero becomes the superhero. No, not the scene of him in the pool of water surrounded by military officers and "scientists" in an underground lair (is this really the only way to do it?). No, the scene where the character explores and accepts their new abilities and decides to take them on to avenge/save people. Too bad this had to happen in the bathroom, because that lighting really did a number on that Adamantium. Psst! I think you for got a couple of layers of rendering!

Star Trek
Don't let the lack of colon fool you, if you were born before 1990 you know that this is a sequel. As movie blockbusters go, this one was pretty damn exciting - explosions, more explosions, well choreographed fight scenes, and lots of awesomely punny and campy humor. As for the rest, I couldn't have been disappointed because I wasn't expecting much. This is the James T. Kirk era of Star Trek after all, creepy womanizing is his bag. However, baby Kirk wasn't at all creepy, compared with that Uhura/Spock action. Not to mention I was waiting for Spock to go all Sylar and cut someones head off.

Still, that paled in comparison to why they decided to make Spock's mom a wrinkly Winona Ryder. Did they just want those of us at the tail-end of Generation X to feel old? And of course, there are the miniskirts. Okay, they wanted consistency with the swingin' 60's outfits from the original, but since you are playing with the entire time/space continuum I bet you could have come up with some reason as to why female members of Starfleet shouldn't have to freeze their asses off in space.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Michael Bay likes balls. 'Nough said.

* * * * *

So yeah, the summer blockbusters have left us a little high and dry, but really, when have they not? I'd say Pixar made good on Up but, it doesn't count as a blockbuster since it doesn't have explosions. I'm also still perturbed that we can never get a central female character (just pleeeease don't make it a princess), but it still made me bawl like a baby. Even that damn short that ran before it did me in.

If I haven't already solidified my dorkiness, I am pretty sure this is the first Harry Potter movie I haven't seen the day it opened - and not just because the ad folks continue to whittle away at Emma Watson's waistline. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to go see it, but I am a firm believer that Harry Potter movies should only come out in the fall. If a movie revolves around school, it should happen when school is in session. In the past, I have always eschewed the midnight showing for the one the next day after work, because then I get so see all the kids (not the fanboys) come out of the previous showing in their costumes. But, when the movies come out in the summer, all the kids have already gone during the day since they don't have to wait for school to get out, and wearing a Giffindor scarf and robes during July is pretty uncomfortable.

Of course I probably will be disappointed, but now that movie tickets are $10.50 I feel like I can only justify going to the movies to watch explosions, special effects and 3D, since your run of the mill romantic/drama/comedy is still just a romantic/drama/comedy no matter how big the screen is.

Explosions! Testicles! Exploding Testicles!

Really, Michael Bay?

Really?

I mean we knew going in that Transformers: ROFL ROTF was going to be racist - though if you are going to call robots Mudflap and Skids shouldn't you employ the white trash Nascar stereotype instead of the illiterate, gold toothed, big-eared stereotype? Oh right, why would ignorance be consistent...especially since even the costuming wasn't - the main army dude couldn't seem to decide what parts of his uniform he wanted to wear from one second to the next. And don't tell me I should know the character's name. This is Michael Bay people. There are good robots, bad robots, military dudes, middle eastern (ahem, north African) villagers, frat boys, wacky parents, that hot overly tan chick and Shia LaBeouf.

Oh yeah, we also knew that it was going to be sexist. But that was a given, because only dudes like action films. And if we weren't quite sure, the previews made damn sure we knew - because obviously that is how you paint a motorcycle gas tank...duh! Don't you see the guys from Orange County Choppers doing that all the time? Oh sure, we finally had some female Autobots, but they were just pocket rockets. And of course they had to have female holograms so we knew they were girls, because again, duh, all robots are boys unless otherwise specified - and they also got blown up before they could have more than one line, since Mikey just didn't like them. But, the overly sexual girl Decepticon, that is a total rip-off of Species? She got lots of screen time.

But, lets get back to that all robots are boys thing for a minute shall we?

So there I was in the theater, fully aware that this was going to be the movie equivalent of a toasted marshmallow - oh so delicious, but of no real value, singed with some explosions - making snide comments to a friend who also enjoys robots and action movies and early 80's cultural references from a bit of a critical distance due to a social science undergrad degree - when we begin to gear up for THE BIG FIGHT. You know it's THE fight because it takes place somewhere that will let the CGI crew blow up historical monuments and all of the robots and humans are in the same general vicinity. More importantly, while everyone is hurrying to get their butts kicked or kick butt, the biggest robot of all shows up.

In my world of Transformers - the early 80's version of cartoons and toys - this robot was the coolest kind. It wasn't just one robot that transformed from a car/plane/machine but combined with other Transformers to make one giant one (obviously the toy I coveted). In this case, it was a bunch of construction equipment intent on sucking up the comic relief characters, but only succeeded in sucking up the "natives."

Oh, but just to prove the point that this isn't MY Transformers, as this giant robot climbs out of his construction pit from the bottom of the screen, Michael Bay decided to add a little something special to make sure we know that all robots are dudes and this is a dude movie.

I turned to my friend and said, "That robot has wrecking ball testicles."

Yes. Robot testicles. Wrecking ball robot testicles.

To prove the point, these Decepticon wrecking ball testicles become the target of the Air Force's giant secret weapon (whew, good thing you got that phallus in there!).

But really, Michael Bay? Have you ever heard about the perils of being heavy handed? Because, there are action movies that are about dudes, for dudes and are duderiffic that distance themselves from any lady viewers, but we can just roll our eyes and watch them, and then there are action movies that feel like a production company gave millions of dollars to a 12 year old boy in the height of hormonal spasm. Of course, they didn't. Instead they gave an adult millions of dollars and make me want to give you a swift kick to the testicles.

Particularly since this whole movie is about testicles. We have the Air Force blowing up Decepticon scrotum (ahem) - which is technically inaccurate since they are hanging freely. A human character tazers himself in the testicles. The same character lets us know that the uber-tan girl-character lands face down on his balls. Oh, and while not explicitly testicles, both dogs and dog sized robots hump things.

We get it! You are a dude, you like dude things, and being around dudes (but of course not in that way) and this is only for dudes.

But here is the thing: while Michael Bay spent millions of dollars to make a movie that every one agrees is awful, it seems that everyone involved with this movie wants to distance themslevs from it. Racism? That was Michael. Sexism? That was Michael. Giant robot testicles? That was Michael, again.

So here is my proposition. Stop letting Michael Bay make these movies!

Obviously Hollywood is attempting to squeeze as many $10.50 tickets and videogames and merchandising from my generation as possible, since according to my high school friends' updates on Facebook, not only can we buy it, but we should all have kids we can buy it for, too. Why else would every cartoon from our childhood be reissued as a line of toys or scripted into a blockbuster movie?

But here is the thing...we will see the movies and buy the crap anyway. You don't have to make all of our IQ's drop 40 points every time we see a movie in order to make obscene amounts of money. Any actress that you surround with robots and explosions will get YouTube hits. You don't have to spray-tan her within an inch of her life, or pretend that four inch heels and white pants are what you wear to save the world from giant alien robots.

Tone it down a bit, take into consideration that there are people without testicles who like this stuff, and even people with testicles that find Michael Bay ridiculous, and you will still make the number one movie in the world opening weekend. I promise.

Besides its not like you can sell a robot with wrecking ball testicles to kids, which makes your merchandising non-movie accurate, and that just disappoints the geek in us:


See? No testicles.