Thursday, July 16, 2009

Summer Blockbusters Kind of Suck

Let's review the summer blockbuster movies I have seen thus far in 2009:

...Warning: Spoiler Alert...
(They're all sequels!)

Terminator Salvation
Besides Christian Bale continuing his creepy, raspy Batman voice and that he seems to have an anger problem, the writers probably could have benefited from a Screenwriting 101 refresher course. Yes, it is science fiction and we need to suspend our disbelief, but come on now, you have just discovered a way to bring down the robots easily and with little chance of the few humans left on earth dying, but when one (that you have been torturing) escapes, instead of using the terminator version of a dog whistle you decide to pull out every helicopter and all the firepower you can muster to bring him down? That just seems dumb.

Also, in the future you can do a heart transplant in the middle of the desert? Yeah, that camo netting will act as a great barrier, and it's not like John Connor would be so wimpy he might reject an organ. Evidently this was an alternative ending that the production company decided to go with since the first one had robodude cutting off our hero's face and posing as him for the rest of eternity. Frankly, I would have been more willing to buy that, too bad other people had already thought of it.

One other thing: our hero who is destined to save all of humanity has a very pregnant wife throughout the entire movie. She even manages to find cute little skinny belts to wear above her belly to show it off. And yet, NOTHING HAPPENS. This is a movie about the end of the world with ridiculous plot points added in to make for more action and yet nothing happens to the lady that is eight months pregnant. Why then is she pregnant? So that we know our hero is virile, too? Probably. I mean he does kill that totally phallic robot to save her. I do have to concede though if anyone is going to do a heart transplant in the middle of the desert its pretty awesome that the one to do it is also eight months pregnant. For that I might forgive the ubiquitous end of the world tight leather get ups and perfect hair. Just don't get me started on the fake Governator.

Yay! Comic book origin story! Now those of us that like watching movies about comic books don't actually have to read them to figure out why Wolverine is so cranky and forgetful, whew!

Since this is an origin story, we have 2 hours of Logan becoming Wolverine, but you only have ONE moment where the hero becomes the superhero. No, not the scene of him in the pool of water surrounded by military officers and "scientists" in an underground lair (is this really the only way to do it?). No, the scene where the character explores and accepts their new abilities and decides to take them on to avenge/save people. Too bad this had to happen in the bathroom, because that lighting really did a number on that Adamantium. Psst! I think you for got a couple of layers of rendering!

Star Trek
Don't let the lack of colon fool you, if you were born before 1990 you know that this is a sequel. As movie blockbusters go, this one was pretty damn exciting - explosions, more explosions, well choreographed fight scenes, and lots of awesomely punny and campy humor. As for the rest, I couldn't have been disappointed because I wasn't expecting much. This is the James T. Kirk era of Star Trek after all, creepy womanizing is his bag. However, baby Kirk wasn't at all creepy, compared with that Uhura/Spock action. Not to mention I was waiting for Spock to go all Sylar and cut someones head off.

Still, that paled in comparison to why they decided to make Spock's mom a wrinkly Winona Ryder. Did they just want those of us at the tail-end of Generation X to feel old? And of course, there are the miniskirts. Okay, they wanted consistency with the swingin' 60's outfits from the original, but since you are playing with the entire time/space continuum I bet you could have come up with some reason as to why female members of Starfleet shouldn't have to freeze their asses off in space.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Michael Bay likes balls. 'Nough said.

* * * * *

So yeah, the summer blockbusters have left us a little high and dry, but really, when have they not? I'd say Pixar made good on Up but, it doesn't count as a blockbuster since it doesn't have explosions. I'm also still perturbed that we can never get a central female character (just pleeeease don't make it a princess), but it still made me bawl like a baby. Even that damn short that ran before it did me in.

If I haven't already solidified my dorkiness, I am pretty sure this is the first Harry Potter movie I haven't seen the day it opened - and not just because the ad folks continue to whittle away at Emma Watson's waistline. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to go see it, but I am a firm believer that Harry Potter movies should only come out in the fall. If a movie revolves around school, it should happen when school is in session. In the past, I have always eschewed the midnight showing for the one the next day after work, because then I get so see all the kids (not the fanboys) come out of the previous showing in their costumes. But, when the movies come out in the summer, all the kids have already gone during the day since they don't have to wait for school to get out, and wearing a Giffindor scarf and robes during July is pretty uncomfortable.

Of course I probably will be disappointed, but now that movie tickets are $10.50 I feel like I can only justify going to the movies to watch explosions, special effects and 3D, since your run of the mill romantic/drama/comedy is still just a romantic/drama/comedy no matter how big the screen is.

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